when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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