Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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