remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
