Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
