no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
