watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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