onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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