my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
