everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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