Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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