Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
