can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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