I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
