hell yes lets make some ravioli
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
