My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize