tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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