I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
