Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I will die if light touches me.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
