Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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