Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize