textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Randomize
