If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
did i just pee glitter
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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