Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
