Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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