please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
