Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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