Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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