i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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