I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we're chasing vodka with high fives
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
