I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
