Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
