If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
