i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
