Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
