She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
