Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
