Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
there's paper in my vomit.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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