dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
