is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
