He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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