i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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