So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
