"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize