I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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