My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
