Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
