He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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