The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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