where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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