I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
