In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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