Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
