you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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