Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
