i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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