I'm so fucking centered right now
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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