Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
