I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
