btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
