No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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