WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
