I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
