Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
