your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
