maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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