bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
